Trans Partner
So we’re NOT lesbians after all!Scrapbooking
During a Dream Yoga class last week my teacher asked me, “have you grieved for Ramona yet?” Ramona was Ram before the transition and I had to answer “no”. In that moment I realized something had to be done to formally acknowledge the passing of Ramona out of my life. She is gone, not just the breasts. Ram will process it how he needs to, or doesn’t need to (which seems more likely the case). His old identity is no longer relevant, whereas his masculine identity is of pressing importance. Perhaps she existed more tangibly for me than for him… perhaps because she represented an incongruence in his heart. I don’t know, but this is not about him, this process of grieving is for me. Ramona existed as my ONE AND ONLY for more than a decade, but she’s no longer here. It’s not that she died, she just went away. And it’s fine, really. But should it be?
Well, feedback from others suggests otherwise, and now, nearly 6 months since his mastectomy, I feel ready to embrace a time of reflection about our love affair. At first I didn’t know where to begin, but quickly decided that my new hobby might be perfect for the job of formal grieving: Scrapbooking has connected me with my far away family and now it’s going to help me connect with my beloved Ramona, the woman who magnetized me with passionate songs, love poetry, artistic creations, and most of all stunning wild beauty almost 12 years ago…
I’ve already got a start on it by gathering items I want in the scrapbook. There is lots of beauty to include, and after taking an inventory of our memories together it’s so obvious that the positive far outweighed the negative. Sure, we had colossal challenges together, but every couple does. The messes don’t matter, they pale in comparison to the love we shared.
This Transpar Is On The Pill
Is it too much to ask for some whiskers to appear on Ram’s sweet face! I mean I’ve got chin hairs to spare, but no, I can’t pass them off on my transman, even though he is aching for some of his own. And enough with the menstruation already! I can barely tolerate mine own let alone the blow that Ram must have felt when a period came to him last month! Thank the good fates I was at an ashram when that happened (I swear I heard the shriek 800 km away).
I’m not kidding about PMS. It has actually gotten so bad for me that I have started taking The Pill. That’s right. The same year my partner turns male I find myself taking a birth control pill. Not for pregnancy prevention but PMS prevention. I have had bouts of depression all my adult life but always managed to find sanity. Not this year though. Scary stuff. As soon as I finish ovulating I start to fall into chaos. After months of attempting to treat my predicament with homeopathics etc. I finally had a flash of insight and diagnosed a prescription myself, much to the chagrin of my doctor.
Here it is: my body wants to conceive but my heart/head does not want to. I told Ram “as soon as my womb smelled the T on you it started to get broody”. Yuck, I don’t want a child and feel totally drained by all the bleeding, and seemingly ceaseless hormonal changes I go through every 28 days. So this is day 8 on the Pill and I am very optimistic about a lighter flow, knowing when it will come, and less mood crashing. Time to ditch the distractions… I need all my wits about me as Ram plans for his next surgery. A hysto is a much bigger deal than a mastectomy and I want to be prepared to be a pillar of strength that he can lean on. I want to be as sturdy as a mountain for both of us.
Selfish
I have gotten selfish. Since my nurse-maiding duties for Ram wrapped up (about a week after his surgery – which has healed beautifully by the way) I have been preoccupied with myself. For the majority of that time my preoccupation was first aid for my suffering psyche, but once my existential crisis waned – I felt reborn. Now I am focusing most of my time on being more self-reliant and earning the money I need to stay at the Yasodhara Ashram for 8 months starting in January 2009. With that said, I remain devoted to my partnership with Ram and want to be the best GF I can. We are going to make it through this major transition, but it is a huge challenge on every level. Attempting to post blog entries here and there about our obstacles and achievements has eluded me. To be a strong partner I have to be a strong individual and that is new for me… I just don’t know if I have much to say on this weblog anymore…
SRS
We did it! Ram had his top surgery yesterday and it was very smooth. His chest looks great even with the bandages etc. and the surgeon thinks it will turn out nicely. Dr. Bowman and Ram both looked proud today as he showed off his work to another surgeon. I have so much to say about the experience that I don’t know where to begin… better get out in the fresh air while Ram is napping. Time to reflect a bit.
GRANDmother!
I underestimated Ella! She took the news of Ram’s sex change like a champion. In hindsight, I see that resistence to telling my GRANDmother wasn’t rooted in a fear of rejection (she is naturally loyal), it was my own judgment creeping through. I guess there was a latent aspect of my personality resisting the idea that a transsexual can be a normal person, and my ego projected that distasteful sentiment onto someone else in order to give it a shred of validity.
Granny Ella was a nurse and I worked that angle when I told her of Ram’s transition. She hadn’t met a transperson in all her years of nursing but knows that it is a health issue, and that medical intervention is usually necessary. This awareness gave me a huge leg up in the conversation, which went extremely well. By her tone of voice alone, I felt supported and loved, and in turn I offered her warmth and understanding as she bravely copes with her husband’s Alzheimer’s and cancer. I wish this kind of acceptance was the norm for everyone… life is too fleeting to bother with anything else.
Uncle
A neat thing just happened. I have a note on my desk to email my uncle today and inform him of Ram’s transition. We haven’t written to each other in months but he reads my “family” blog and I wanted to give him a heads up before I start referring to Ram as a he. To my surprise, I got an email from uncle Al today, and of all things he was asking about Ram’s recent name change! I love coincidences like that… can’t wait to get feedback from Al. Although he has never met Ram in person, he seems to really appreciate my partner, and that has really enhanced my relationship with my uncle. He follows Ram’s online publications with interest and makes himself available for thoughtful communication whenever the moment arises. All this and more on the eve of our departure for Ram’s top surgery two days from today 
Week
In one week we leave for Vancouver where Ram will have his bilateral mastectomy and male chest reconstruction. We will be away from home/office/gardens for 3 nights, a real rarity. Today I have noticed him feeling weak for the first time, which is to be expected, but that doesn’t make it any easier. The waiting and growing anticipation for the surgery to finally happen is tough for Ram…
Ferries
Ahhhh, I can’t stand that BC Ferries has a gender bias in their website! They charge us through the nose to use their (essential) service, so they should treat each and every customer like royalty! I decided to try and turn my irritation into a chance to educate…
He
We had a MTF friend over for tea yesterday – she transitioned 2 decades ago and is very well spoken about a multitude of transsexual issues, both emotional and physical. I learned alot from my time with her and realized what a responsibility I have to help our friends and family start using male pronouns when referring to Ram. Not to mention how much Ram is relying on me to be torch bearer in his evolution from she to he. Until yesterday I hadn’t committed to using only he in my conversations with and about Ram, but that changed in a flash of insight I gained from conversing about self-image with Amanda.
From here on I commit to using only male pronouns when referring to or talking with Ram. Yet another milestone in the marathon of our translove affair!
