We did it! Ram had his top surgery yesterday and it was very smooth. His chest looks great even with the bandages etc. and the surgeon thinks it will turn out nicely. Dr. Bowman and Ram both looked proud today as he showed off his work to another surgeon. I have so much to say about the experience that I don’t know where to begin… better get out in the fresh air while Ram is napping. Time to reflect a bit.
I underestimated Ella! She took the news of Ram’s sex change like a champion. In hindsight, I see that resistence to telling my GRANDmother wasn’t rooted in a fear of rejection (she is naturally loyal), it was my own judgment creeping through. I guess there was a latent aspect of my personality resisting the idea that a transsexual can be a normal person, and my ego projected that distasteful sentiment onto someone else in order to give it a shred of validity.
Granny Ella was a nurse and I worked that angle when I told her of Ram’s transition. She hadn’t met a transperson in all her years of nursing but knows that it is a health issue, and that medical intervention is usually necessary. This awareness gave me a huge leg up in the conversation, which went extremely well. By her tone of voice alone, I felt supported and loved, and in turn I offered her warmth and understanding as she bravely copes with her husband’s Alzheimer’s and cancer. I wish this kind of acceptance was the norm for everyone… life is too fleeting to bother with anything else.
A neat thing just happened. I have a note on my desk to email my uncle today and inform him of Ram’s transition. We haven’t written to each other in months but he reads my “family” blog and I wanted to give him a heads up before I start referring to Ram as a he. To my surprise, I got an email from uncle Al today, and of all things he was asking about Ram’s recent name change! I love coincidences like that… can’t wait to get feedback from Al. Although he has never met Ram in person, he seems to really appreciate my partner, and that has really enhanced my relationship with my uncle. He follows Ram’s online publications with interest and makes himself available for thoughtful communication whenever the moment arises. All this and more on the eve of our departure for Ram’s top surgery two days from today 
The one person I am resisting outing Ram to is my 85 year old grandmother. I believe she won’t understand that a normal person can be transsexual, and that this barrier will be a disappointment to me. She’s a great woman, but experience tells me there is a limit to her emotional availability. I have ruled out the option of telling her in a letter that my girlfriend of 11 years is suddenly male, so the phone it is (she lives 3500 miles away) and I am not eager about the upcoming conversation.
In one week we leave for Vancouver where Ram will have his bilateral mastectomy and male chest reconstruction. We will be away from home/office/gardens for 3 nights, a real rarity. Today I have noticed him feeling weak for the first time, which is to be expected, but that doesn’t make it any easier. The waiting and growing anticipation for the surgery to finally happen is tough for Ram…
Ahhhh, I can’t stand that BC Ferries has a gender bias in their website! They charge us through the nose to use their (essential) service, so they should treat each and every customer like royalty! I decided to try and turn my irritation into a chance to educate…
We had a MTF friend over for tea yesterday - she transitioned 2 decades ago and is very well spoken about a multitude of transsexual issues, both emotional and physical. I learned alot from my time with her and realized what a responsibility I have to help our friends and family start using male pronouns when referring to Ram. Not to mention how much Ram is relying on me to be torch bearer in his evolution from she to he. Until yesterday I hadn’t committed to using only he in my conversations with and about Ram, but that changed in a flash of insight I gained from conversing about self-image with Amanda.
From here on I commit to using only male pronouns when referring to or talking with Ram. Yet another milestone in the marathon of our translove affair!
I had my counseling session last week. It was SO good to chat with someone objective and well versed in the ins and outs of transitioning. Halfway through the session I realized that any fear I’d had about being unprepared for living with a transsexual were ungrounded. In fact, I felt quite proud of us as a couple and saw this transition as an opportunity to really deepen the bond of love between Ram and myself. However, it did raise a personal issue that first came up when Ram initially told me that he was transgender. When he declared his intention to have a double mastectomy and male chest reconstruction my inner response was, “what about me, what is my heart’s desire?” 6 months ago I could not answer the question. There were two scary things about that predicament…
I dare everyone to read this book! What insight it offers into human nature. Just getting through it is a test of how attached the reader is to their preconceived notions about feminity and masculinity. The book I am refering to is Max Wolf Valerio’s Testosterone Files, in which the author intimately traces his transformation from male to female and doesn’t hold back his opinions about the danger of dogma, about instinctive lust and the beauty of human frailty.
Last night, I dreamt of Ram’s first testosterone needle. (No surprise, it’s due to be injected in less than a week.) In the dream situation we are guests under a beach resort’s canopy. The needle is huge and comes out for me to inject him with. He bends over and a male doctor appears to give the injection. I look away… the cold long needle is so harsh looking as it disappears into his tender white cheek.
 | queerunity on SRS |
 | Counting down to top… on Week |
 | Trans Partner on Testosterone Files |
 | Sarah Riggle on Testosterone Files |
| Trans Partner on Letters |
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